


Hidden

by SophieRomanoff97



Series: The Lives of Little Natasha and her Family [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: ABDL, Age Regression/De-Aging, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Awesome Clint Barton, Awesome Maria Hill, Awesome Natasha Romanov, Awesome Phil Coulson, Child Abuse, Childhood Memories, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Poly Because Avengers, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Infantilism, Maria Hill is a Good Bro, Minor Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Nick Fury Swears, Nick Fury is a Good Bro, Non-Sexual Age Play, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Phil Coulson Is a Good Bro, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Clint Barton, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Nick Fury, Protective Phil Coulson, Red Room (Marvel), SHIELD, SHIELD Academy, SHIELD Family, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Unintentional Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2019-07-14 01:30:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16030217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieRomanoff97/pseuds/SophieRomanoff97
Summary: A prequel in my 'little Natasha and fam' series.Natasha has been hiding the little side of her for years when suddenly, surrounded by her fellow agents and friends, she drops.Natty comes out and then it is down to the Shield team to help and look after her, as they all wonder why in a world so accepting of littles, she has pushed down that side of herself.THIS FIC CONTAINS NON SEXUAL AGE REGRESSION THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING





	1. The drop

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Welcome to this prequel. Only Clint and Nat (and some of our fave Shield agents) in this one and it is pretty angsty so be aware of that. 
> 
> TW's for this fic are violence, mentions of past abuse (Red Room stuff so really not nice stuff including the Red Room forcing littles to have sex and seduce whilst in little headspace etc so please tread careful), panic attacks, unintentional self harm, ptsd and flashbacks etc.
> 
> Also, this isn't a 'littles are known' verse but the whole concept of littles/bigs are readily accepted. Basically, it's normal in this universe for people to be little/big and isn't a big deal. I didn't want to deal with the stigma and bad feelings accredited to the community, but I also didn't want everyone to be little/big/switch etc so yeah!
> 
> Also I'm suffering with chronic illness and mental stuff atm so sorry it's been so long (I like to write little fics whilst I'm hovering on headspace myself and it's been a while since that happened last so).
> 
> There will probably be mistakes and it may not make sense since brain fog is severe today but I tried my best.
> 
> Enjoy!

Natasha had pretty much successfully hidden her little side for over 4 years now, and two of those years she had been hidden from Clint.

She wasn't entirely sure why she had kept it a secret for so long; it wasn't like Shield didn't allow littles or that her role there would change if they knew. It wouldn’t be a problem at work, it was just a problem she had with herself.

Unlike a good majority of the little population, Natasha had never been publicly little. No trips to the specific little playgrounds, no shopping for toys at the store, no walking around in cute clothes. No interacting with other littles whilst in her little headspace, at all.

She had been taken when she was actually a child and by the time she'd grown up and realised she was little, it had been used against her in horrifying ways.

Because the whole little/big thing didn't extend across to everybody, some people still looked down on it. Couldn't understand it. Didn't understand why adult men and women were walking around in dungarees and playing in sand boxes.

Now The Red Room hadn't been like that, in fact they had very much understood. Those with little tendencies were pushed to the tops of their classes, were entered into lessons quicker. Specifically, they were entered into the 'life skills' class which included but was not limited to entrapping, seducing and sleeping with marks. It was different for littles because they would be taught how to do those things in both headspaces.

They learned how to act the little part; be cute and sweet and dress up in tiny little outfits. How to make their voice soft and lilting, and how to give compliments in the sweetest tones. How to act coy and shy and flirty and like the men and women who came in were the most important in the world. How to lay on the bed, how to be the good little girl and take it like one. How to beg and plead and act like she enjoyed every second of it, unless the customer wanted the exact opposite.

It was beyond fucked up to even think about anymore. She would spiral if she let her mind drift there.

When Clint had been sent to kill her, Natasha had locked away that part of her.

Natty hadn't made a proper appearance in over a year, not since she'd escaped the Red Room and fled Russia.

Shield didn't know the extent the Red Room went to to ensure the world was as they wanted it. Didn't know all that they put the girls through.

Natasha had opened up a lot over the next two years, about almost everything. About the conditioning, brainwashing, murdering, torture, rape.

She just hadn't told her partner about the little side of her. About how the little girl inside her had been abused and starved and forced to have sex, long before she had physically come of age.

Natty had been hidden for a long time.

She would come out sometimes, no matter how Natasha fought to keep her inside, but when she was alone. Somehow she could keep a lock on the little girl until it all came tumbling down the moment she was behind closed doors.

She had nothing little but a small blanket, shoved under her bed at the academy.

She would curl up with her one little item, eyes burning with tears as the girl and woman both remembered.

She would shove the blanket under the bed and, frustrated and disgusted, take a freezing shower until Natty was hidden in the dark corners of her mind again.

Natasha had been doing a good job of hiding her other side from those around her, from Clint, from Nick and Phil and Maria.

It was ironic that after hiding Natty from them for so long, they would all be there to witness the breakdown.

It had been one rough mission after another and after weeks of flying around the world for different jobs, Natasha and Clint were finally in debrief.

Natasha had been pushing the little down for almost six hours; from their flight home, to medical, to debrief.

_Just hold out. One more hour then you can be home. No one has to know. No one has to-_

Fury was staring her down and she realised that he was waiting for an answer to a question she hadn't heard.

"I'm sorry?" She asked quietly.

"Romanoff, if you're not going to listen to a damned word I say then you may as well collect your shit and leave."

The redhead fumbled for an answer, her eyes inexplicably burning with tears.

_No no no not now._

_Please._

Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment and she studied her hands intently, looking like the chagrined child she felt like.

"Romanoff?" Fury's voice rose and Natasha bit the inside of her cheek, heart hammering, pulse pounding in her ears.

_Don't make eye contact. Don't look up. Don't say anything._

Fury pushed back his chair and Natasha flinched violently, jumping back a little in her seat.

She could feel Clint touching her shoulder as her vision tunnelled and her chest burned.

"Natasha?" A soft voice asking her name.

That was all it took for her to tumble over the edge.

In a second, the world was crashing down and all Natasha could think was to get down, to run, to hide, to protect herself.

Her chair flew back as she dove under the table that her fellow agents and boss sat around. Her legs were drawn to her chest, hands sliding over her ears, face buried against knees as she rocked on her heels.

"What the fuck?" A male voice questioned and Natasha only clamped tighter over her ears, trying to block out all sound.

Clint was already crouching below the table, not wanting to touch her for fear of making...whatever this was worse.

He was stricken to find tears rolling down her cheeks.

She'd had flashbacks before and was no stranger to panic attacks but only rarely did he see her cry. And not over a small trigger like the one she'd just encountered, not over a raised voice.

It was Hill who realised something was off.

"Is she a little?" Maria asked as she joined Clint on the floor, taking one look at her tear stained face and moving her gaze to her boss.

Fury looked ever more confused, shaking his head. "It's never been mentioned, no." He looked over at Phil.

Phil had a strange look on his face, like he was pained, which he was.

Phil was a caregiver completely and utterly, and to know one of his best agents had been hiding her little side caused his heart to hurt perhaps more than it should.

"How would she have hidden that for so long?" Clint asked, shaking his head. That had to be wrong.

Littles...littles were little quite often. Never once in the two years since he'd brought a Russian stray to Shield had he had any idea there was another side of her.

He'd seen her interact with littles/bigs around Shield often but he'd never considered that she would be one too.

She was very kind to the littles but had never offered babysitting duties, and only played when their handlers were in meetings. In other words, only when necessary.

He was much the same when it came to caregiving; only when necessary. But when it came to being little, nearly everyone at Shield knew that when Barton climbed through the vents or raided the kitchen for chocolate pudding, it wasn't big Clint.

He was little, on the higher side of the age spectrum, normally settling at about 12 or 13.

Natasha had looked after him many times whilst he'd been regressed.

He frowned deeply, having no idea how he had missed this.

Littles tended to gravitate towards littles, for friendship, for playing with, for napping with.

Clint was a little, so how had he not noticed? Was that side of her really so locked away that one of the most astute agents Shield had to offer hadn't seen it?

Thank fuck for Maria because she seemed to know what to do.

She was Shield's 'most famous' switch. She was almost completely 50/50, half little, half caregiver. It was a mix that was rarely seen.

The woman started to move under the table, talking softly in that happy bright voice caregivers often used without realising.

"Natasha, honey? It's Maria, we work together. We're friends, can I come closer?"

The redhead's eyes widened and rather suddenly, she was sobbing in earnest.

Her cry tore into the hearts of the other four, even those who had never considered themselves as caregivers.

Maria still didn't touch her but continued to crawl closer.

"Hey baby, oh it's okay, you're okay beautiful. Do you wanna tell me what's wrong, hmm?"

Natasha inhaled raggedly, snot dropping down to her lips and her cheeks burning with the emotions she was feeling so deeply.

The redhead wiped at her nose and eyes but it didn't make much difference because tears kept coming.

"N...not s'pposed t...to k...know. 's bad, 's bad!" She gulped, nails digging into her knees.

Maria hummed softly, voice calm and quiet. "What's bad, darling? Can I come over and give you a hug, Tasha?"

Natasha watched the woman for a couple of seconds before hiccupping weakly, moving onto her knees and crawling over to the woman.

She collapsed against Maria's lap, loud, gasping sobs wracking her body.

"You're okay, baby, you're okay." Maria quickly gathered the woman so she was properly on her lap, arms wrapping around her and keeping her to her chest.

"I've got you, sweetheart, you're okay. Everything is okay." The woman murmured, rocking them a little.

Her words muffled by the woman's shirt, Natasha just continued sob, uttering just a few words.

"'S never gon' be okay."


	2. Maria to the rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I now it's been a long time. It's taken me months to get something up because I've been going over every single chapter of all the other fics in this series and making them longer, more detailed and all around better. It would mean so so so much to me if you guys went back and re-read everything. I assure you that it is so much better now, there's details you might miss and not understand if you don't re-read and I really put my heart and soul into every line. Of course, no one has to, but it's much appreciated.
> 
> Also appreciated are comments if anyone feels like it. Thank you so much for the support! It means everything to me. <3

Maria inhaled sharply at those little words, gently pressing the shaking girl to her chest, hand sliding over her brow and down her hair in a gentle, repetitive motion. "It will be okay, honey." She found herself rocking them both, taking care to not smack their heads on the bottoms of the tables. The tables were higher up in this room, since there was no play area in there, the littles who came in with bigs for debrief often played under them. But for someone's first time, it was still possible for them to get hurt.

Natasha seemed to shrink at the eyes on her so despite how painful it was to turn his back on her, Clint got to his feet and sat back in his seat. Phil followed suit, looking if possible, even more pained.

After a quick nod from Clint, Nick continued on the conversation, though his voice was noticeably softer.

Not being able to make out the words was quite nice and Natasha knew the table had been a good place to hide. The soft murmuring above her seemed to settle her nerves just a little, as did the achingly gentle woman holding her.

She'd never been held like this. Clint and her cuddled all the time but this was _so so_ _so_ different and despite being so upset and scared, Natasha's tummy felt all kinds of warm and butterfly-y.

She was still crying, still shuddering as she silently curled her fingers around the woman’s shirt, the soft material comforting. Without even realising her free hand came up to her mouth, her thumb sliding in through her teeth. She didn't really like the soggy finger but the motion was nice and she felt herself relax just a tiny bit more as she sucked on the digit.

Maria tutted softly but didn't make any move to pull the girls hand down. The poor baby probably didn't have a pacifier and she didn't want to go through the trauma of moving her before she was ready just to find one.

"I know this seems overwhelming and scary, Natasha but you're being so good and brave right now." Maria murmured, pressing a kiss to her temple. She knew that big or little, Natasha was an expert at getting out of situations. Even disorientated, she could have ran for the door when Maria had started moving towards her. She stayed and she hoped that meant that something in Natasha trusted her.

The redhead looked dubiously up at her through her tears, raising an eyebrow.

_Okay sassy girl._

Maria couldn't be direct. She couldn't tell the girl that letting herself be looked after was being brave because odds are she would bolt. "You are being brave," she leaned in to whisper, "you didn't yell at the director when he startled you and I think that is very brave."

Natasha's cheeks flushed red and she dropped her gaze, re-burying her face against Maria's neck.

Smiling softly, the older agent brushed a hand over her back. "So I know Phil has a little playpen in his office, would you like to go play?" She knew the daycare and indoor play centre would be far too crowded and nobody knew the infamous Black Widow was little and there would undoubtedly be stares. The playpen in Phil's office was pretty much exclusively for Melinda but the girl wouldn't mind when she came back if a little in need had played with her stuff.

Natasha flushed and wriggled a little, slowly letting go of Maria's shirt, wiping the hand over her eyes.

She hadn't played for years and years. Not since her classes. Not since they'd forced her to drop, placed her with a group of other littles and brought men and women in to _play_ with them. Back then, they had all sorts of toys; brightly coloured bricks and cars and dolls with little ringlets. They got a designated amount of time with those toys and had to _earn_ them. Littles loved toys, just like all kids did, and as such would do a lot of dubious things in order to be able to play with them.

When she'd ran away, she'd just never bought herself anything like that. One day though she'd been nosing around a thrift store on a day off, just trying to pass the time. She'd bypassed the toy section, as she always did, but she hadn't been able to stop her gaze sliding and settling on a piece of pastel yellow material. Immediately entranced, she'd walked over, fingers reaching for it. A large box of Lego's sat on top of the material and she ignored the memories seeing it brought up. She pulled the yellow object free, immediately soothing at the soft texture under her fingers. She brought it up to her face, rubbing the corner over her cheek. The blanket was so soft and when she looked closer, she could see that little ducks decorated it in a slightly darker shade of yellow. The need that bubbled up in her chest at the item had overwhelmed her. She'd almost dropped it and walked from the store but she _wanted wanted wanted_ it _sooooo_ badly. She'd stood there, alternating between holding the blanket and putting it back down before she carried it over to the counter and paid.

When she'd gotten home, Natasha had been so horrified that she'd nearly dropped in public that she'd shoved the blanket under her bed and tried to forget about it. Unsurprisingly she’d dropped later that night and had crawled under the bed to join the blanket, falling asleep with the soft material pillowed under her cheek.

Playing sounded daunting, exciting and worrisome all at the same time. Maybe the woman holding her would expect her to...pay her back for the time with the toys. Some of the women in her classes had been nice to begin with too. Natty knew better now. She loved toys but toys were never given freely. There were always, always expectations.

Natasha jerked her head to the side, clambering off the woman's lap, scooting on her behind until she was a little ways from her. She drew her knees to her chest, not burying her face into them like she wanted to. She needed to keep her eyes on the woman.

_She wants to play._

_I want to play!_

Natasha slid her hand up to the side of her head before smacking against her ear.

_Playing is bad. You don't want to play. Bad._

The woman was watching her with soft eyes, not moving towards her. "You don't want to play, that's okay. We can do anything you want, honey. Maybe read a book?"

  _I want a story!_

Natasha hit the side of her head again, flinching. Stories were bad too.

Maria winced as the girl smacked herself, wanting nothing more than to take her back in her arms and soothe the red marks across her temple.

"No reading." She said quietly. Maybe she needed to be less direct. Sneakier.

"Well, I don't know about you but my back is hurting being under this table. And I could really do with some warm milk and cookies, it's been so long since I had something to eat." Maria shuffled onto her knees to start crawling out from under the table.

Looking uncertain, Natasha pushed up from her bottom and trailed very slowly after Maria.

_Maybe it's okay because she wants a snack and maybe I can sneak a snack without her seeing._

Plus Natasha was really starting to notice just how hungry she was. She couldn't really remember where she'd been before the table, since panic drops often brought confusion, but she knew her tummy hurt. She was _realllllly_ hungry.

Natasha watched as the woman stood up until she couldn't see anything except her legs. She sat for a couple of minutes, anxiously chewing on her thumb. In the end, her aching stomach won out over her fear and she clambered from under the table.

Maria cooed softly, hands resting on her thighs as Natasha crawled into view. "Look! It's a rogue princess!"

Natasha flushed, clambering up to her feet, hands held in front of her as she twisted them. Now she was out from the table, she could see the other people in the room.

She shifted uncomfortably, cheeks burning at more than just the baby talk.

"Okay boys, I'm going to go to the kitchen and get something to eat." Maria announced, winking over at Clint to let him know she had it under control.

The archer badly wanted to go with them but wouldn't ever want to crowd or frighten Natasha. When she aged up, they could talk about it properly. But for now, she was better off with an actual caregiver. Not only that but the emotions brought up by Natasha's drop had him tumbling towards his own panic drop and it was important he cut that off before it happened.

Maria headed to the door, opening it and leaving it that way as she walked into the corridor.

She went a few feet before she heard the very soft footfalls behind her. She smiled as she kept on walking to the elevator. If Natasha felt like following Maria was her decision, she felt more comfortable, so she didn't acknowledge the girl behind her.

Maria got into the elevator and kept her back to Natasha. Just before the doors closed, the redhead rushed in.

Not wanting to take her to the cafeteria, Maria took the girl through the halls and to the higher ups small kitchen/eating area.

Heading inside, Maria pulled out a carton of milk from the fridge and poured two mugs full before putting them in the microwave to warm up.

Next, she rummaged through the cupboards and came out, triumphant, with a box of chocolate chip cookies.

Maria carefully placed the cookies onto a clean plate, placing them on the table and turning her back to peer into the microwave. She heard the very faint footsteps run to the table, grab a cookie and back up again. Lips pulling into a smile, the older agent took the mugs from the microwave and placed then in front of the cookies. She found a silly straw and placed it in the one closest to Natasha.

She took one of the chairs around the table, crossing her legs over one another after sitting down. Sipping at the milk, she sighed softly as she looked at the other mug. "I thought I'd be able to have both of them but I'm pretty sure I can only manage one." Maria tapped a finger against her lips. "I wonder what to do with the other, I could throw it away but that seems like a waste..."

Natasha's wide eyes stared at the glass of milk, her lower lip trembling a little. She looked from the mug to Maria, who smiled softly.

"I wonder if there's a hungry little girl who would enjoy it instead of it going in the trash?" She hummed, in that soft, bright voice that made all the littles pay attention.

"Me?" Natasha whispered, one hand resting over her stomach.

Warm milk was the _best._

"If you want it, Tash." The older woman smiled kindly, taking a cookie from the plate.

Natasha exhaled shakily and stepped closer, slowly wrapping her hands around the warm mug, eyes lighting up as she bent her head, inhaling the liquid.

Maria didn't watch her, didn't want to make Natasha self-conscious so she sipped her own milk and ate a couple of cookies. Warm milk and cookies was her littleselfs’ favourite snack and any other time the idea of it would have made her drop but she needed to be big, needed to be in charge and look after the little girl. She _wanted_ to look after her. She was shy and sad and had obviously been hiding so much but she was achingly sweet and just as cute as could be.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the girl take a tentative sip of the milk through the straw, and heard her sigh softly.

Maria rubbed her stomach after a couple of cookies, pushing the plate away from her. "Well I am stuffed." She hummed.

 Natasha crept even closer and Maria noticed that there was a little trail of crumbs behind her. It looked like the cookie the girl had taken hadn't gone anywhere near her mouth but had rather been crushed in her hand as she hid it behind her back,

Keeping the mug in one hand, a slender hand shot out, grabbed a cookie and immediately shoved the whole thing in her mouth, like she was afraid Maria would grab it before she had the chance to eat. And with a sinking feeling in her stomach, Maria realised that was exactly what the girl expected to happen.

The older agent kept herself as non-threatening as possible, sinking back in her seat and keep both her posture and expression open and soft. She just sipped her milk and when Maria didn't try to grab her or the cookie, Natasha reached for another, eating it just as fast as the first.

Maria didn't even want to think about why Natasha had hidden her littleself and didn't even want to consider what The Red Room had done to her. They knew a lot about her past, or at least Maria had thought they had. It seemed that Natasha had kept certain things a secret and Maria would spiral very quickly if she thought about what could have possibly happened.

She didn't know if Natasha would ever tell them what had happened but Maria would do everything possible to make sure both big and little Natasha felt safe and protected.

Maria may not have been Mommy material but she would be the best damn Auntie, Natasha would ever know.


	3. Near accidents and sleepy toddlers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it's been a while. I hope you enjoy!

Maria watched carefully as Natasha ate the rest of the cookies on the plate, one after the other, with hardly a breath in between. She still seemed afraid that Maria would take them away, so the woman stayed still and quiet, not wanting to spook her. The caregiver part of her wanted to tell the girl to be careful, that she’d get hiccups or have crumbs go down the wrong way. But one look at Natasha’s face as she ate had Maria re-evaluating everything she’d wanted to say. It wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t even really her place. 

She let the girl eat in silence.

Once the plate was empty, Natasha cradled her drink, taking a single second to swallow the rest of the food in her mouth before In the span of five seconds, the milk was drained and the mug was placed back on the table.

The girl had cookie crumbs around her mouth and had not unsurprisingly spilled milk down the front of the Shield issue tee she'd been given after checking out of medical earlier, but it wasn’t an issue.

The issue was that now Natasha was squirming a little and her cheeks were flushed pink. She seemed to shuffle from one foot to the other and it took Maria a couple of seconds to realize what was going on.

"Sweetheart, do you need the bathroom?" She asked softly, heart hurting at the panic clear on the girls face. 

Natasha looked utterly miserable as she clutched her stomach, frustrated tears welling in her eyes.

"That's okay," Maria stood slowly and held out her hand, "do you think you can make it there?"

Natasha whimpered softly, grasping herself even tighter. Her eyes were down on the floor as she shifted, a soft sniffle escaping as she hastily wiped at her face. 

"No? Okay, honey, I'm going to pick you up nice and gentle and we're gonna run to the bathroom." Maria said softly, holding her arms out first to see if the girl would bolt. She didn’t, thankfully.

The redhead didn't back away either as Maria moved slowly towards her. The older agent gently scooped her up and placed her on her hip as she quickly exited the room.

Maria hummed Natasha reassuringly, gently patting the girls back as she headed down the corridor. "Okay, sweetie, nearly there."

Accidents were not uncommon with littles, especially when a panic drop had occurred. It would have been completely okay on Maria's part but she knew it would not have gone well for Natasha. She could run, and Maria wasn't sure she could catch her in time. And in no way did she want the girl to have to go through the trauma of needing to be changed, she was upset and wary enough as it was. Changing a little needed trust on both sides, needed a connection with the individual in all possible headspaces. They were nowhere near there yet, and maybe they ever would be, and that would be okay.

They raced down the hall until they came to the bathroom, where Maria pushed through the door, toed open a stall and placed Natasha down on the ground. 

The girl immediately pushed the door in her face and Maria heard the sounds of rustling as she herself stepped away and over to the sinks. Her hip was dry when she patted it to check, so she was sure they'd made it in time, which was a very good thing indeed. 

The older woman blew out a breath, glad they'd escaped that ordeal for the time being.

Soon enough, she heard the toilet flush, calling out softly, "all alright in there, Tash?"

There was a slight grumble in response before the door swung open and Natasha shuffled over to the sinks, her eyes downcast. 

"Don’t forget the soap." Maria reminded her softly, trying to catch her gaze. 

The girl looked embarrassed, which wasn't surprising.

"You did a very good job waiting until we got here, darling." Maria walked over and gently used her sleeve to wipe the remaining crumbs from around her mouth as Natasha finished washing her hands.

She shuffled over to grab paper towels to dry them with, still not looking up at Maria, a light flush still present over her cheeks.

"You're okay, lovey." The olden woman said kindly, "here, why don't we have a little walk around?"

Maria hoped that she could lead her to Phil's office without the girl realizing where they were going. 

The toys Melinda had would probably be too grown up for what she estimated Natasha's age to be, but Phil did have a few younger items for visiting littles.

If she really didn't want to play, then hopefully she would see the nest of blankets and pillows on the floor and would go down for a nap.

Maria could tell as they walked the halls that a nap was well needed; Natasha was dragging her feet, rubbing her eyes with balled up fists, mumbling and grumbling instead of speaking actual sentences. 

The older woman led Natasha on a bit of a wander, up and down different halls, but never down to the main section of the building. They didn't want to run into anybody at this stage.

They walked for a good ten minutes, the little girl getting increasingly slower, her hands almost permanent fixtures at her eyes.

Glancing at the little trailing behind her, Maria finally took her to Phil's office. 

Any bigs with littles of their own had a slightly bigger office than others. Phil's office was even bigger than that, for various reasons, and the entire left side was devoted to Melinda.

There was a small bookshelf pushed up the wall, full of colourful books for different ages. There were containers of toys, specifically a lot of cars, Melinda's favourite. Blankets and cushions were neatly piled up in the corner, reading to be spread out for napping. The half of the floor was covered with a race track carpet and big brightly coloured numbered foam jigsaw pieces. They were very soft and the perfect place to lay down.

Phil was either still in debrief or had realized what Maria's plan would be and was nowhere to be seen.

Something in her chest hurt once more as she recalled Clint's broken expression, eyes wide and soft and scared, heading towards a sudden drop. And then Phil's expression, completely caregiver, had been one of pure agony. Nick hadn't been so outwardly affected but after knowing him for so long, Maria knew he was just as disturbed.

Maria headed towards the blankets, laying a couple down on top of the large jigsaw pieces, with a couple of cushions at the top of them. She lay down furthest from the door, pulling a tattered blue blanket over herself.

Natasha stood hovering in the doorway, twisting her hands in front of her stomach.

"I'm just gonna have a little nap. It's very comfy down here and it's been a long day, huh?" Maria feigned a yawn and let her eyes flutter shut.

Over the next couple of minutes, Maria evened out her breathing as Natasha crept ever closer. Her ears listened carefully, hoping desperately that the girl would lay down.

It took another five minutes for Natasha to ease herself carefully to the floor. She didn't pick up any blankets and didn't lay down on the ones on the floor. She lay about a foot away from Maria, her head not touching the pillows on the floor. It wouldn't have been the first time she'd slept on the floor.

Overwhelmed and exhausted, the redhead drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.

She very slowly closed her eyes, close enough to the door to bolt if needed.

Thoughts warring against one another, Natasha fought the instinct to run far away, closing her eyes and finally letting herself fall sleep.

Maria wasn’t far behind her.


	4. Panic and good friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! As you may have noticed I've increased the chapter count by one. That's because I felt like an epilogue would tie up loose ends and we'll see some good Clint/Nat action and the start of their relationship.
> 
> TW's for this chapter are panic attacks and unintentional self-harm so be careful.
> 
> Thank you all so much for sticking with me and I hope this chapter isn't anti-climatic at all. 
> 
> Comments make me happy!
> 
> Also I'd love for you to check out my other fics in this Verse, there are plenty more coming so maybe subscribe so you can be notified. Anyways, here's the penultimate chapter, I hope you enjoy <3
> 
> PS; Kotyonok is kitten in Russian. I'm a big fan of pet names if you hadn't noticed :)

When Natasha woke up, everything was hazy. Her neck ached, pain stabbing into her back in the way it did when she slept awkwardly, except she didn’t even remember going to bed, let alone falling asleep.

Pushing herself up took a lot of effort and only continued to solidify the confusion creeping into her brain.

Well, she certainly wasn’t in bed. She wasn’t even curled up under her bed, blanket in her hands, in the way she sometimes drifted off.

She was on the floor, in Phil's office by the looks of the toys and books scattered around. Oh, and Maria was snoring softly under a blanket next to her.

_What the fuck?_

Natasha pressed a hand to her forehead, wincing at the throbbing shooting through her temples. She cast her gaze around the room, pulling her knees to her chest, trying to think.

The last...however long it had been, wasn't exactly blank, but it sure as shit wasn't clear either.

Her memories were murky, like looking at a dirty lake and trying to see the bottom. Like she was grabbing and grabbing at the tendrils, seeing just a snapshot before they were ripped from her hands.

She felt weird, she felt scared, she felt _wrong_ and the panic in her veins crawled towards her heart.

There was only one reason she would be so fuzzy, and the idea of that scared the living shit out of her.

_No. No please_

She'd dropped. She had to have dropped. Not only had she dropped, but she'd dropped in front of Maria Hill and-

_Fuck fuck fuck_

Natasha hadn't just dropped in front of Hill, she'd fucking dropped at debrief hadn't she? Which meant...

_It's over. It's fucking over. They know_

Her partner, her handler, her boss. They all knew too.

The panic stopped crawling to her heart and leaped instead.

Her chest burned as she tried to get up, legs too wobbly to really hold her for long. She stumbled to the nearest wall, back hitting it with a dull thud. She slid down, face buried in her hands, breaths catching in her throat.

_Can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe_

They all knew. Things would never be the same. They'd think she was disgusting and fucked up and she'd have to talk through everything her former home had put her through. They'd pity her even more, they'd think she was a burden. Maybe her status would change. They couldn't demote her for it, surely? maybe they'd stop missions. They'd keep her closer. She'd lose her freedom again. They'd have to find a caregiver for her and she was so difficult. No one would want her. She was trouble, a nuisance, a messed up pain in the ass. She'd be isolated and alone and exhausted from pushing the little girl away. She couldn't do it.

She couldn’t do it.

“Natasha? Natasha, hey hey hey, you’re okay.” A voice came closer towards the woman, where she was huddled against the wall, hands over her eyes, frantically trying to get in enough air.

Natasha wasn’t sure when it happened, when she got down on the floor, when she covered her face, when her chest started burning, when she began to hyperventilate. Her mind screamed at her in tangent with the pounding of her heard.

_Can’t do it can’t do it can’t do it_

“Nat, you have to breathe, you know you can do it, nice and slow okay?”

Didn’t the voice understand that she _couldn’t_ fucking breathe?

She couldn’t drop again so soon, she absolutely couldn’t, it would end horribly and there was a chance she would lapse completely and get lost in the past, still stuck in the child’s mind. That would be plain _awful_ and there was always the chance she would lash out and hurt a lot of people if that happened. She could _kill_ them.

She had to breathe, she had to quiet her mind, she couldn’t drop. She _couldn’t._

“Romanoff, eyes up.” The change in Maria’s tone was a testament to not only how good a handler she was, but how good a caregiver she could be. She knew Natasha was spiraling and she knew that if the situation wasn’t controlled, she would drop and knowing about the flashbacks, that could be disastrous.

“Look at me, I’m going to take your hand okay? And you’re going to squeeze and squeeze it in time with your breaths.” Maria pulled one of Natasha’s hand from her head, wincing as she noted the little flecks of blood under her nails. She’d been digging her nails into her temples, a completely unconscious gesture, just trying to ground herself, to pull herself back.

Natasha still hadn’t looked up so Maria, using her free hand, gently tilted her chin up until their eyes met. “There we go, keep looking at me. We’ll go one breath at a time, don’t forget to squeeze my hand as you breathe. Okay. One…” Maria nodded, squeezing the hand in hers. “Hold…one, two, three. Good, good. And again, you’ve got this.”

Over the next ten minutes, Maria coaxed Natasha through the brunt of the panic attack. When it was almost over and the breathing was under control, Natasha slumped back against the wall, exhausted and trembling.

_She only helped so you didn’t freak out and hurt her, she’s not helping because she likes you, she’s disgusted by you_

Natasha wanted nothing more than to run and hide safe in her room, but she knew that wasn’t a realistic possibility. She needed to talk to everyone involved, needed to attempt to salvage any dignity left over and figure out where she was going next. She needed to know if she still had a job, for starters. And then she needed to know if she still had a best friend left after all of it.

“Right,” Natasha cleared her throat, wincing at the pain there, “I guess we need to talk.” She somehow managed to keep her voice even, to keep it from shaking. Her gaze looked right at Maria, showing nothing after the slew of emotions she’d been so open with. Now, she was blank, unreadable, shielding herself and bracing herself for what was to come.

For her part, Maria had the same unreadable expression going on. She nodded and pushed herself up from her knees, holding out a hand to the woman. “Okay then, let’s talk.” She said evenly.

Pulling herself up, Natasha calmly brushed her hands down her front, nearly dying inside when she felt crumbs and remembered Maria managing to bait her into eating some cookies.

_Fucking hell, Romanoff, way to go!_

“I need to talk to Fury too,” Natasha murmured as she moved towards the door, “and why the hell not, probably Phil and Clint too, why not go all out.”

“I’ll make the calls.” Maria said quietly.

“Can’t wait,” Natasha said dryly, heading out the door and down to the nearest bathroom to at least try and clean herself up.

_Ready for impact, Romanoff, let’s fucking go_

  
…

Twenty minutes later, Natasha stood in Fury’s office, hands behind her back. Nick sat in his chair, Phil hovering behind the desk next to him. Maria had pulled up a chair in front of the desk and Clint stood in the corner of the room, back against the wall.

Natasha had spent the twenty minutes, in no particular order, crying, cleaning her clothes up, pushing her hair into a ponytail, wiping at the blood on her temples, freaking out and pacing up and down the tiled bathroom floor.

Now she stood, completely composed, ram-rod straight, gaze focused just a touch behind Fury’s head, refusing to look at the play area on the other side of the room.

“Romanoff, take a seat.” Nick gestured at the empty chair in front of the desk.

“No thank you, Sir.” Natasha shook her head, slowly moving her gaze to Fury’s face.

“Okay, then I think you better begin.” He sat back and Natasha knew that he was trying his best to be non-threatening, which rarely happened with Nick Fury and only furthered Natasha’s bad feelings.

It was coming, it was definitely coming. They were tiptoeing around her, preparing for an outburst because she was pathetic and of course they would think she would freak out again.

_Lock it down_

“First, I need to apologise.” Her voice was cool and a little clipped, “I understand that I hid this from everyone for a long time, and that I broke a ton of rules doing that. I went on missions without my partners knowing my true status and I put them, potentially, in a lot of danger because of it. I also understand that me doing this has put you all in a very bad position, and I get that you’re probably going to have to let me go. I want you to know that I’m not going to sue or anything, I know it’s not discrimination, this was my fault.”

Natasha took a breath, not daring to look around the room. Everything was silent was at least a minute before Phil spoke.

“Is that really what you think we’re going to do?” He asked, his voice soft and his eyes sad.

Natasha shrugged a single shoulder, “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t think that was the case.”

“Nat, Jesus.” Clint pushed himself from the wall, looking upset.

“That’s not what’s going to happen here, Natasha.” And oh shit it must be bad if Fury was using her first name.

Natasha opened her mouth to speak and Fury quickly cut in. “Nobody is getting fired, let’s make that crystal clear. What is going to happen is that yes, you will take a break from missions, no it’s not a punishment. This period of time will be for not only you, but for the agents around you to adjust. The records will be updated, so that anyone you may go on missions with will be informed when the time comes. No one else is going to know if you don’t want them to, the paperwork will be redacted and sealed. We are not going to force a caregiver on you, but we suggest that at the very least, you give a babysitting service a call and if you drop again here, we will be assigning a handler of your choice, not to be a caregiver, but to keep an eye on you. Other than the agents you go on missions with being informed, nothing has to change. This is not the kind of place to force you to drop, to treat you differently. Whether you drop in front of anybody is your choice, unless a panic drop occurs and we will write up an action plan for such an event. Whether that’s someone taking you to your room or whether you decide you want to try the daycare. Your choice, Natasha.”

It took a little while for what her boss was saying to sink in, her brows furrowed just a little. Her hands twisted behind her back, lips parted as if she was about to say something, but couldn’t.

Eventually she settled on a weak, “what?”

_Fucking eloquent, Romanoff, Jesus_

“Maybe that was a bit too much to say right now, bottom line is, you’re not getting fired and everything that happens next is in your hands.” Phil said quietly, looking away from Nick and over at her.

“I just…uh-“ Natasha turned, back now facing the others. She began to pace steadily from one side of the office to the other, silent as she worked through the things swarming in his head.

She did multiple laps as the others kept quiet also, exchanging glances but not daring to speak in case they shattered whatever process Natasha was going through.

Slowly Natasha came to a stop, strategically placed right beside the door, back pressed to the wall. “Okay, right, I’m guessing you want an explanation. A why I hid this and why I freaked the fuck out. So,” She took a deep breath, gaze both hard and not at all there, “I first knew I was-“

“Natasha, stop.” Clint pushed away from his corner, looking pained, lips pursed.

“I…” Slightly bewildered, Natasha looked up from the floor to her partner….to her maybe partner?

_He’s stopping you because he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care why, he’s disgusted_

“Nat, you don’t need to tell us that. You don’t need to tell us anything if you don’t want to. Your past is yours.” He took slow, careful steps towards where Natasha was pressed to the wall, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.

“Don’t you want to know why?” She asked quietly.

“Not if you’re going to tell me because you feel _obligated_. Not because you feel like you owe it to us or whatever. If you ever decide to tell me, I want it to be because you feel comfortable, because you feel ready, because you _want_ to. Not like this, not when you think you need to explain everything in order to not get fired. I didn’t know about your status, no, but I _know_ you, Tash. I know you. You have nothing to prove.”

With that last sentence, he stepped in front of her, looking down in an attempt to catch her gaze fully.

“Clint-“ There were no tears, no trembling, nothing but the soft crack in her voice to indicate that she was overwhelmed.

“Alright, love, alright. Let’s get you to your room, huh? We can grab some shitty cafeteria pudding on the way.” He may not have been dropped but pudding was always always _always_ an excellent snack choice.

“Shitty? I’ll have you know that is the finest pudding the world has to offer.” Maria hummed, “and if it’s so bad we can always cut you off.” She smirked.

“You wouldn’t dare.” Clint fired back, smile pulling at his lips.

“Try me, Barton.” Maria sneered. “Go, before I revoke all your dessert privileges.”

“You’re a cruel woman, Hill. Come on Nat, you know how crabby I get when I don’t have my pudding.” Clint shot a dirty look over at Maria and the woman winked at him.

“Intolerably grumpy, actually.” Natasha slid her arm through Clint’s, shooting the tiniest smile at him.

“I am never.” Clint mumbled, pouting.

Natasha hummed, “sure, Kotyonok, sure.”

Later, Natasha would call Maria and thank her for looking after her, when she felt like she could get through that conversation without breaking down. For now, she would go to her room with the guy who still wanted to be around her, and crash for an indeterminable amount of time, somewhat safe in the knowledge that she’d at least regained some control over her past.


	5. The best of friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys! Thank you so so much for reading and sticking with it through questionable updating times. You all mean the world to me and I'm so glad I got to share this, it really is one of my favourites. I love you guys!!!

When Natasha got back to her room, she moved straight for the bed, kicking off her shoes and shedding her jacket on the way.

Sure she should probably shower but that was far too much effort when she was so exhausted mentally and physically that she could have fallen asleep during the end of the world.

Clint came in, like he normally did, though this time he didn't kick off his own shoes and make himself at home. Aka, he didn't sprawl across her bed, turn on the TV and pull out various snacks from their hidey-holes in his jacket and pants.

He looked uncertain, and Clint Barton _never_ looked uncertain.

Natasha, face down on the bed, finally rolled over onto her back, raising her eyebrows. "Clint, I'm not going to bite you, you can come lay down."

Clint, looking evermore like the boy than the man, shifted from one foot to another.

"Hey, do you need to drop?" Her voice changed just a little, her gaze softer.

"No," Clint shook his head, taking a few steps to the bed, sitting on the side he usually frequented.

"If you need to..." Natasha flinched at the hypocritical sentence, sighing softly. "You know I'll look after you, I always do."

"Not right now. We need...I think we need some time just us. I dropped yesterday, I'm good for a little while."

"Clint...I don't...if things are going to be weird, I don't know if...you don't have to hang out with me anymore. We're both adults, most of the time, we can be professional." She shrugged.

"Nat, no, that's not what this is. You're my best friend, I want to hang out with you. Yeah, I'm acting weird because I wasn't sure you wanted me to just carry on like nothing had happened." Clint held out his hand.

"I don't...I don't need you to act like this didn't happen. I know we need to talk, I know I need to explain some things. I want to explain. Just...just not right now. I just need to lay down with you and just not think for a while." Her gaze flicked up to Clint's, expression open, vulnerable and a little sad as she took the offered hand in her own.

"Of course, love." He toed off his shoes and pulled back the covers so they could both crawl under them.

Natasha rolled onto her side and Clint moved behind her, arm wrapped over her waist, face tucked against her shoulder, hair tickling his nose. "I've got you, Tash."

Shivering, Natasha lay there for a few moments, quietly listening to the sounds of their breathing.

She pressed closer to Clint, fingers tangling through his as she let out a shaky breath, slowly allowing herself to close her eyes.

She'd barely slept during the mission and had gone straight to debrief when she'd gotten back. Then everything had happened and she'd napped for an indeterminable amount of time but it was nowhere near enough.

Her entire being ached, the turmoil in her head having done nothing to help the post mission, post mild injury kinda pain she'd been in. Certainly sleeping on the floor hadn't helped either.

She probably could've gone for some pain meds and to change the dressing around her thigh but that was far too much effort when she was finally warm and properly resting for the first time in weeks.

"Sleep love, we've got all the time in the world." Clint pressed a kiss to her shoulder and Natasha let herself drift off like she so desperately needed.

…

When Natasha woke up, there was light filtering in through the curtains. Which either meant that she'd slept maybe an hour or she'd slept through the rest of the day and the night and now it was morning.

Judging by the fact that Clint wasn't still sleeping beside her indicated the latter because he was the king of napping and had it just been an hour, he would definitely still be there.

Also, her eyes were gritty and her body _hurt_ in the way it did when she'd crashed hard.

Rolling over, Natasha rubbed her hands over her face and slowly pushed herself up, leaning against the headboard. "Clint?"

The room was quiet and something in Natasha's stomach dropped.

Clint wasn't there, he'd gone.

Maybe he'd gone to get cleaned up? To get dressed? But she had a shower and over the years, he'd left more than a few of his things spread around her room.

It was possible he'd dropped and not wanted to wake her up. He was generally too old for the day care but he could have gone to find his Uncle Phil. But even younger Clint would have left a note. Sometimes he didn't need a caregiver, he was old enough to wander around on his own for a bit, but the Bigs had taught him to leave notes for whoever he'd been with so they were aware he'd dropped.

But there was no note.

Biting her lip, Natasha pulled the covers back and shuffled over to sit on the side of the bed.

Maybe Clint had just gone because he'd changed his mind and she was too much for him. He didn't want to be around her anymore and he-

The door clicked open and Natasha instinctively reached for the gun in her bedside table, standing and nearly at the door before the figure was inside.

"Woah, easy Nat, just me." Clint held his hands up.

"You came back." Natasha carefully lowered the gun, taking a step back towards the bed.

"Of course I came back, I only went to grab some food." He lifted the plastic bag he held in one hand. Kicking his shoes off, he headed over to her. "Everything okay?"

Natasha shrugged, sitting cross legged on the covers. "Yeah, fine."

Clint hummed and joined her on the bed, sitting opposite, dumping out the contents of the bag. "You know I'm always gonna come back."

"Yeah, sure. Wasn't worried you'd left me or anything." She mumbled.

"Sure you weren't, love." Clint reached over and squeezed her knee. "But if, hypothetically, you ever were worried about that, you could tell me. And I could tell you then that I would never leave you and give you a hug or whatever." He glanced over at Natasha, who was looking down at her hands, lips curled into a small smile.

"Let's eat." Clint grinned, spreading his hands over his wares. "As promised, pudding, like a lot of pudding. They were just starting breakfast so everything is still hot. Pancakes and syrup on the side, fruit cups, juice." Looking pleased with himself, he handed over a paper plate. "See, I thought of everything."

"Cutlery?" Natasha raised an eyebrow, smirking.

"Okay so, I did not think of everything." Clint laughed, sheepish.

Leaning over, Natasha pressed a kiss to Clint's cheek. "It's perfect. Who doesn't love eating pancakes with their hands?"

Rolling his eyes, Clint reached for a pudding cup before pausing. "Ah, no spoon. Pudding can wait." He shrugged, instead grabbing a wrapped up pancake. "Oh and," he reached into the bag, "med kit and meds for after."

Natasha looked up from her pancake, gaze soft. "Thanks, Clint."

Clint grinned, already tearing into his food.

"Always, Nat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that’s it. Thank you for coming on this journey with me! There is a possibility (who am I kidding, there will definitely be) that I’ll be doing a follow up fic of Nat finally explaining to Clint what happened to her and why she hid herself, so stay tuned for that sometime in the future. Thank you so so much for reading and commenting etc, it means the hecking world to me and every time I see an email that someone commented I get so happy. Please maybe drop me one last comment if you enjoyed? 
> 
> So bye for now! (but not really cause I have tons of fics lined up and one already in the works ;) bye!!!!
> 
> ALSO did you watch Endgame? Do you like Clintasha? Then ya'll should check out my newest fics!

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter coming asap, stay tuned! And drop a comment if you feel so inclined❤
> 
> I'm very sorry I feel like this was all over the place but brain fog is a bitch and I really wanted to get something up so this is it, hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and can edit this properly. Please no mean comments I tried my best.
> 
> Until next time!


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